I don't want to MOMMY today. Not at all. Not even if you paid me. Well, maybe if you paid me, but not if it wasn't at least five million dollars. I guess though, the worst is over and it can only go up from here. If you're looking for some funny today, this may not be your place. I'm out of sorts. Out of patience. And out of sanity. I'm clinging to my sense of humor like my life depends on it, which today it just might. *sigh* Calgon, take me away.
First of all we got up at 5:30. Not by my choice ever. Then we marched around with our arms crossed, scowling, because I wouldn't turn the game on (he can't have it till 8). Then, per schedule, as soon as he saw I was wide awake, he went back and napped. Grrrr.
Meanwhile- I let the dogs out. Well, two of them, Lillie refuses to go out, preferring instead to just do her business inside. (Therein lies the 'out of patience') Which she did. In Cody's room. Unfortunately I didn't know this until he traipsed down the hall with both feet covered in dog poop. Which he'd tried to pick off, so it was also on his fingers and hands, not to mention everything ends up in his mouth, so yeah, there, too. I was nearly in tears. So I wiped off the biggest mess, stuck him in the shower and cleaned the floor. All the while trying to get Randy to get out of bed so he could go to Physical Therapy (cue more 'out of patience').
Then while I am showering the boy, he did something he has never done in his entire life. He pooped in the shower. Yes, really. I couldn't make this stuff up. At this point, I am thinking what the >actual< crap?! So, I cleaned that up. Re-showered him. Handed him off to Randy who has finally gotten out of bed. And stood there in the stream of cold water, cuz we'd used all the hot and this point, and cried. Not my finest moment, not my best of days. Some days autism wins. But, seriously, it can only get better from here, right?
Thank you for attending Pyscho Hour at Dennisonville. And
nerve pill on board, I now return you to the regular scheduled programming.  

Blog? what blog? Oh...you mean THIS ole thang? Yeah, well it's been neglected a bit. Seems like life has been trying to kill me. So far, I'm winning though. Take that, life! 
We are on a new sleep med. and by 'we', I mean, Captain B'Fore Sunrise. It is not working. We were up at 5:15 this morning. And nekked. And complaining of being cold. Gee, I wonder why? So I redressed him, put him in bed with me and snuggled him till he quit shaking. Then I wrassled him for about ten minutes trying to make him lay down with me since it was still dark and all. Crazy thought. After several pinches, pulls and a poke to the eye, we got up anyhow. So much for being up, cuz he's napping now. *sigh* Karma, I am not your friend. All those times I slept till noon when I was a teenager....I'm being paid back for. Ok, Mom, please lift the "I hope your kid is ten times worse than you are" curse. PLEASE. I get it. 
I've been having a bit of a rough time lately. Lots of medical things going on- headache for three weeks solid for starters. Dr is sending me back to my neurosurgeon cuz she is afraid the disks above and below the ones I had fixed a few years back are failing now. Yay, me! Hoping maybe it just needs some adjustments. I just know I am tired of being a whiny baby about hurting. And I can't find my pacifier anywhere to plug up my complain-hole. Ah, well. Such is my luck. I'm also scheduled for a stress test on Friday to see about the chest pains I have been having. Yippee-skippee
The races have started in good ole WP again. My baby boy is LOVING them! He went last week and then again last night. He gets so excited. He's been going since he was a baby. They used to take him in a punkin seat to watch them. He's a racer born and bred lol. He came in like a whirlwind last week running full speed up and down the hall, crashing into the wall and fell down several times. Then did the same thing but not to as much of a degree last night. Hyper, much? Last week I had to give him a Xanax to calm his butt down. Last night he didn't need one, but I though about taking it for him. I'm too old for this. All of this. Any of this. Too old. Especially when I figure that in less than a week my BABY boy will be 23. How? When? What the...? Yeah, 23. Unreal. He will more than likely make it...unless he gets up at 5:15 EVERY morning. Then all bets are off. 

5:25am. We are risen, but we are not shiny. In fact one of us is a flat dull red.  Did you know it's still dark at 5:25? And I mean sweet dreams dark, not here comes the sun dark. Seriously- we beat the rooster down the alley up. I genuinely thought about going down there and poking him with a sharp stick. Then I remembered how mean they can be- my Granny used to have one that would chase us grandkids around her house trying to flog us. As I recall we ate him for dinner one Sunday. But I digress. 
Back to 'up for no good reason.' It was paired with "look I've taken my pants off" I put pants back on and put him back to bed with the stern warning of "stay there or else". No, I have no idea what 'else' is, I'm not coherent enough to string together a full thought this early. Which he called my bluff on, got up immediately and took them suckers off again. He is now on game suspension. Until 10am. I have put myself in time out until my attitude improves. I may be here all day. Heck, I may stay here all week.
I'm pretty sure the ambien the doctor put him on to help him sleep is a HUGE bust. We've been on it three months now and have yet to crack 7am, even if he's up till well after midnight. And guess what? He's in his room taking a nap now. Darling child. Glad I'm up by myself. May as well make some coffee. Or I may just put a pinch of grounds in between my cheek and gum. 
Lord, bless us this day, especially that kid in there that can't tell time and is on my last nerve. Keep your hand of protection over us both, but especially him- cuz if he slaps his hands one more time at me when I tell him to do something, I may snap like the elastic in my big girl panties. Then I'll really show my butt. And nobody wants that. Trust me.
Well, whadya know...the lazy rooster is finally up.

Good day to you from the hellish halls of pestilence, disease, famine, infestations, flood,  locust and surgical renderings. We've had about a solid month of colds, flus, pneumonias, upper respiratory infections, and surgeries. We've had the bubonic plague, too, I'm pretty sure. As well as the black, red, yellow, green and checkered plague. Some striped plague- although it wasn't quite as bad. 
We are slowly on the mend, but may never be the same again. Cody had pneumonia in both lungs and had to have two shots to help clear it up. He has just now stopped coughing all the time. Now, if we could get Daddy to stop coughing, we'd be smooth sailing. I always HATE when Bub is sick, he doesn't know how to handle it, he coughs till he pukes and then he panics when he throws up, and runs. So I have to chase the guyser down the hall trying to trap some of the explosion in a pan. Which is generally not very effective, oddly enough. Let me just say, the carpet cleaner definitely got a workout during that time period. So did my back. Ai-yi-yi! 

...in breaking news, in case you were wondering, now that everyone is up and awake- Cody has gone and laid down to take a nap...

I have been recouping from a butt kicking surgery last Monday. It was all kinds of girlie surgery, which I won't embarrass you by telling you about, unless you want to know, in which case I have no shame and will be glad to even draw you pictures diagraming what they did. Just say the word. The parts I can tell you without making you blush or clear your throat and think about the weather, are- I had my bladder put up in a sling and he found a removed a great big hemorrhagic cyst from my tube. TMI? sorry. I'm moving better, just still pretty sore. I have to call the Dr office today and find out the results of it. He had no reason to believe it was cancerous but I always worry until I hear the words that it was nothing. So, come on 8am!! 
You should know, I am not good at recovery. I want to do EVERYthing when I can't. (And when I can, EVERYthing just sits and looks at me and doesn't get done) I have golden intentions, but my follow-thru is more aluminum foil. In fact, it's pretty stunted in general. Laundry is stacking up and that makes me nervous. I could go with not washing until December and still not have to go naked, but it will make me bananas until I get to do it. Again- the laundry in the basement, not ideal. If you are building a house and thinking about putting it down there, don't. I can tell you that more than one load of laundry has been washed multiple times to get the "I forgot" washed out of it. Rewashed. Washed-over? Anyhow, you get it. Washed again, cuz it's a reallllly long way down there to swap out the laundry and then suddenly it's two days later and it's still sitting in the washer getting funkalicious. And not in a good way. Downy only goes so far, folks. 
Well, I'm off to be as productive as I can be when my Dr orders are "for the first week, do NOTHING. Then the second week, do HALF normal. The third week, you can drive and do a little bit more, but no lifting over 10-15 lbs" Silly man, doesn't he realize every time I heft my hiney off the couch, I am lifting more than that? 

In today's breaking news...I seem to be on the upside of down. Feeling lots and lots better. Haven't been too grouchy or whiny the last couple of days. Except for...gotcha! I just said I wasn't whiny. Fooled ya, right? Yeah, I almost fooled me, too! I am that good!
In a sad twist of fate, since I am feeling better, I was forced to prove it. The man-child got up this morning and took off his pants. Which I do not like but am used to. BUT by the time I made it down the hall and threw away the diaper and sat in the floor and yelled "Bubba, come here for pants!" He'd done it. 
Oy vey! Fiddlesticks! Phooey! Nonsense! Ugh! Gad! Oh my word! What the what?! Holy crap!
Well, it wasn't holy...but it was crap. Lord save me from myself. Cuz myself is gonna go in her room and pack her clothes and run away. Just as soon as I rest from scrubbing carpets on my hands and knees for the last hour. On second thought, maybe I won't even pack clothes, I'll just move to somewhere I don't need any. Do they wear clothing in Borneo? Wait...where IS Borneo again?

*sigh* I don't want to Mommy today. Please don't make me mommy!!

I hope the whole day is not modeled after this morning or else the elope threat is very real. It's a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  
One up note, even after the Great Crapsaster of 2015, the last loads of dirty hamper riff-raff are in the washer and dryer. Everything is clean. Except for the clothes on our backs and the towels on the racks. You know what that means...look busy, Jesus is coming!!

This morning I had to wrestle a cat for a cough pill. Yes, really. I dropped it in the floor and was looking for it on my hands and knees and she marches in and starts batting it around. I pounce on the cat who hurriedly tries to snap it up in her mouth so I can't get it. So I pry her mouth open and do finger sweeps trying to get it out but am finding nothing. Great, the cat won't cough now, but I will. Then she moves her right paw and surprise, it's the old peanut under the shell move. She fooled me. But I had the last laugh, I took the cough pill! Craziness abounds. 
I'm on day 3 of being really really sick and I am not liking it one little bit. To say I am whiny would be an understatement. I feel like Crap's irritating little sister Dookie again today. I have to say I do think I am feeling some better, it's just a slow process. One I have very little patience for when I don't feel good. Do you see my dilemma? I also have a horrific headache from coughing so much. And did I mention I'm whiny? No? Well, I am. 
We're on game hiatus until 9 this morning. It's nekked Sunday x1. He's currently standing here saying "I like game, please" and getting louder...and louder...and louder... Cuz saying it louder will obviously make me change my mind. Just like it does all moms. "What did you say, dear? Ask me again and much louder, then the answer will be yes" Children. Where do they get their logic from? 

This morning I has a sore throat. But not just a sore throat a SORE throat. And by SORE I mean SOOOOOOORRREEEEE. Are you getting my hints? Do you follow me? Yeah, in case you didn't- it hurts. Today I forecast downpours of hot honey lemon tea followed with accumulation of cold and sinus pills. With intermittent gusts of sneezing. And overcast mood with breakthrough grouching. I don't have time to be sick.
Now...for last nights catastrophe. Many of you know Randy chews. I hate it. HATE it. HATE IT with the burning passion of ten thousand suns. It grosses me out. Always has and always will. He has of late been spitting in a coke bottle and leaving it by the couch. Last night Bubba got hold of it and drank some. I was COMPLETELY grossed out. I brushed his teeth for a solid ten minutes, I think. And I told Randy he was either going to wash out that nasty crap every time he was done with it or he was not going to have one in the house anymore. He didn't think I was serious. He found out HOW serious I was. Then a little while after Bubba went to bed, he threw up. Lots and everywhere. It had tobacco in it. I was furious. Seething. Irate. I cleaned him up, changed the bed, gave him something so he wouldn't be sick again and hoped for the best. He didn't get sick anymore. But I'm not speaking to Randy...not that he knows it yet, cuz he's still piled up in bed, but I'm not. I may wake him up to tell him I'm not talking to him. Would that defeat the purpose? 
We got up this morning bright and ugly at 6. He said was "code" (cold), so I changed him and put socks and houseshoes on him and he promptly took them right back off. I do not know why this child will not leave on houseshoes! They're soft and squishy. Maybe they remind him too much of wearing pants...I dunno.  He then took a nap, after he made sure I was up and moving. Ain't he adorable? 
Now the four year old is wanting everything on TV. Every commercial she says "Can I have that?" Marketing geniuses. Making little kids want things when they don't even know what they are. Yes, she actually said that..."What is that?" I said "I don't know" She said "Well can I have it?" I said "If you don't know what it is, you don't need it!" To which I hear "PLEEEEEEAAASSSSEEEEE?" *sigh* "Please for my birthday?" *biggersigh* "Please with a cherry on top?!" I said "sure, you can have it." Sorry, Ashley. I'll keep a list so you can get everything I've promised her. You're welcome. 
Today's agenda- in between being whiny- involves MORE laundry. And trying to find the table that is in the dining room. I know there is one there, cuz I used to see it. Before the great landslide of '14. I swear I will find it again. No telling what else I'll come across in the quest. I may find valuables. Or Jimmy Hoffa. Although, I think it may be a bit late for him. This will be accomplished slowly and surely. I also need to wash a load of dishes and clean the bathroom. I also need to vacuum. And clean carpets after all the snow and stubborn little dog's calling cards. 
Have I mentioned I don't have time to be sick? Yeah, that.